THE BLANK PAGE IS AN IDIOT.
It will not do as you tell it. If you try asking nicely, it just scoffs.
You can try threats.
“Hey, paper boy! There’s open flame over here. I have matches, a lighter, even a gas cooktop. I can toss you in and watch you go up in flames and smoke like some kind of inhuman sacrifice to the saints in a witch trial by writers who hate the blankness of your pagery!”
Guaranteed: the page will merely look back at you, blankly.
It has the upper hand and it knows.
“Say something!”, you yell.
If only you could find the fight that makes this passive ass cooperate in a way that lets you both get on with it and move on to bigger, more profitable problems.
This vignette brought to you by Everything Is Nice. But it’s better when it’s not.
Do you want to make your writing more interesting? Immediately?
Throw it against the wall.
Stomp on it.
Yell at it.
And let it fight back.
One reason why so much writing is so flat is that there is so no conflict.
People (thankfully) try to avoid conflict in daily life.
But one place to embrace the fight is on the blank page. And it doesn’t even need to be the good fight, It can be the nastiest, pettiest, most mean-spirited little spat you ever had.
Have a tug of war.
Have a battle of wits.
Recount a witlessness in which you’re forced to participate.
Pine for someone you love who hates you back.
Recount the tale about how you use your Jedi lightsaber in heavy traffic against New Jersey drivers. (If you’re from New Jersey, no apologies. Your drivers are offensive zipnods.)
Write about the time you were banging heads with someone and it led to blood and stitches.
Write about a fistfight and how it feels--especially if you’ve never had one.
Fight with sleep and let sleep lose.
Writing an advertisement? Describe the deep-seated hatred you feel for the advertiser’s product.
When the blank page is mocking you, turn it around.
Mock the page back. Show it who’s boss, especially if you feel you’re not. Fake it.
Bring the fight and turn the page’s mockery into full cooperation.
The blank page is a bully, and a weakling at that.
Don’t fight the page. Fight ON the page.
Be strong and it will bend to your will.
And write more than you need to. It will share the abundance of gems you never knew you had at hand.
Your Lean, Mean Creative Director in Park City
LIGHTNING BRANDING ON AMAZON
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Blaine Parker is prone to ranting about any and all things related to brand. In many ways, he is a professional curmudgeon. While there is no known vaccine for this, the condition is also not contagious. Unless you choose it to be so.